When I first began my weight loss journey earlier in the year, it was the first time that I felt it was a permanent change, instead of just a diet that wouldn’t last more than a month. I was eating better, going for walks, getting up off my ass, and making the changes necessary to change my health.
Then the summer hit and everything I had done went out the window. Money troubles hit, depression hit, and I soon found myself back at my old habits.
I’m thankful that this summer is winding down. Going outside or moving around doesn’t feel like hell anymore. The issues that hit us all at once are resolved. I’m making more money now to help offset the issues.
I’m also thankful that My Summer of Hell didn’t deter my weight loss too badly. I gained about ten pounds this summer, so I’m still down around 25 pounds overall.
Just like when I started my healthy habits, I am working slowly to reintroduce them back into my life. I’m working on returning to my blog and breathing new life into it once more.
It isn’t easy. Falling into old habits because they are comfortable, because they are safe, because they are easy– this is what I did. I own that. It’s my mistake. I allowed myself to fall into that pit once more.
I see it in other places other than the scale. Getting out of bed is harder again, going up and down the stairs is harder, eating convenient food over healthy food is affecting my calories. I’m seeing it everywhere.
And for a time, I allowed myself to feel that depression. I allowed myself to eat that chocolate bar, even though I’m already over on my calories for the day. I allowed myself to make and eat Ramen, because it tasted good and the kitchen was already hot enough without cooking in it. I allowed myself to eat a whole pizza because I was depressed.
But, it’s time to get back to work. This summer proved that I am human. I make mistakes. But it also proved that while I was knocked off course for a time, I am capable of making my way back.
I have to do this. For my health. For my friends. For my family. For my husband. For me.
For the first time in almost two months, I stretched my legs. I wasn’t able to go as far down in the splits as I could before, but the stretch felt nice.
I’m still not able to go outside yet (thanks, depression), but I put on Adele and danced and sang from my soul. It felt good. No, it felt better than that. It felt great.
I’m back to journalling. I’m not at where I was, with my daily pages, checklists, and such, but I’m writing about my weekend last weekend. It’s a step in the right direction.
I did a bit of cardio yesterday. I ran in place until my heart rate was elevated, then stopped. It is a step. A tiny step in the right direction.